EDITOR’S NOTE: the following post is kind of all over the place. but i was really tired when i wrote it.  

I’m all screwed up and I think i know why — her name is Barbie. You see, “Barbie” taught me i could be ANYTHING i wanted to be when i grew up (good) as long as i was pretty and blond (bad).

and now im constantly questioning my views of women (because I am one) and i’m not going to lie, im worried that i don’t really like hillary clinton because she’s a woman. and im worried that women leaders don’t have good role models so we don’t know if we like them  — we can compare Obama to JFK and even Lincoln, but the only woman leader many of us know to compare Clinton to is our moms — hence the constant references to her being a nag and a b*tch. (my mom is neither, btw. but i’ve also never made such references) and i really hope that my generation of women grows up to be GREAT women role models, but who will we model ourselves after?

and i just read this interview with Natalie Portman, and she talked about how women are SO used to feeling like they are less than men that they constantly say things like ‘this might sound stupid but…’ or ‘i don’t mean to be a b*tch but…” and i TOTALLY do that. and to my male boss’s credit he has (on more than one occasion) told me i should NOT do that when i talk to him because i’m not stupid or a b*tch. (he didn’t use those exact words, but you get the idea). and i really, really love my current male boss (not because he’s male, but because he’s a really respectable person in my field) but i DO totally feel like i’m less than him. (is it because he’s a male or because he’s a really respectable person in my field) and i REALLY noticed it today at work during a brain storm meeting that was all women for about 75 percent of it. and we all seemed SO confident and willing to share our unfiltered ideas. we DIDN’T preface all of them with “this might be a stupid idea but…” instead we just SAID them. like a leader would. like a male would.

And the other problem i have is that i TOTALLY judge my self-worth based on my appearance — no matter how good i am at my job. and the thinner and prettier i am the more respect i feel entitled to. but that’s stupid — guys don’t feel that way. plenty of ugly, fat guys are leaders in this world — umm, have you SEEN Rush Limbaugh?

im not sure how to fix any of this, but i just wanted to get it off my chest. and it’s MY blog. so i can do that. any of you women (or men) out there in the Interweb share my views?

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