So if i ran the worldwhen i run the world, i’ll require all employers to give out three numbers for salary:

1. how much they’ll be paying you.

2. how much you’ll get after taxes and

3. how much you’ll get after you pay taxes AND we guilt you into contributing AT LEAST 6 percent into your 401k so you don’t retire broke AND you get health insurance AND you get dental insurance AND if you’re stupid enough to be blind, you also get vision insurance.

IF my current employer had told me figure number three, i probably would have ended up just staying in south dakota — where they at least don’t have a state income tax.

i was stupid enough to not only accept the job without figure three, but i also thought it would be good to start on Nov. 5 . Of course, now i won’t get insurance until after 90 days pass, which would be Feb. 5 and THEN, nothing actually starts until the beginning of the NEXT month, meaning i’m pretty much waiting until March 1 (FOUR months) for coverage (NOTE: this also sucks becuase on Nov. 4 I happen to kind of step on my glasses and break them in half and now they are constantly crooked because they are super glued together, and im waiting for my vision insurance to start so i can get contacts).

Even though March 1 is more than a month away, I enrolled in our benefits package today. and while i was at it, i figured I’d go ahead and start saving 6 percent of my check before taxes. SIX PERCENT PEOPLE. that’s a lot of freaking money, but the web site says if I DONT save that much I’ll probably be homeless when i retire, and it seems like that would kind of suck.

While enrolling, i had to figure out who i wanted my beneficiary to be — my mom — then explain to the computer that she was not my spouse, my domestic partner or my dependent because I basically suck at life and I haven’t got ANY of those things. The computer didn’t understand how my beneficiary could be NONE of those things, so i had to mark ‘other’ and now i need to either find a husband or have baby so my company will understand me.

then, i did a little math and figured out that after all the insurance and the 401k savings, I’ll be making about $6 a month in take-home pay, which shouldn’t be a problem as long as my landlord is cool with me not giving him rent.    

However, in case i get a random illness i want to make sure im covered (note the insurance) and in case i don’t i want to make sure i can retire (note the 6 percent).

At this point in the enrollment process im thinking everything if all good, but a screen pops up telling me that once i click submit I CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES change my coverage. Crap. ok, I cancel that and go back to make sure everything is ok. Yes, i want medical. yes, i want dental and yes, i want vision. looks good to me. ok, submit and… confirm.


I accidental put that I’m a smoker. Apparently that’s the default setting (such crap, because, really? is the default AMERICAN a smoker?? and this is STILL america? right?) and they want to charge me $750 a year for that! i am, of course, NOT a smoker. and I don’t even live with a smoker, so such a charge is TOTALLY NOT COOL WITH ME. I try to hit the back button, but alas, my company’s enrollment Web site is too smart for me, because hitting the back button only brings up an error message. great. this sucks. and seriously, if the HR person can’t change this tomorrow and re-classify me as a non-smoker, i’m probably going to have to quit my job. i’m not saying definitely, im just saying probably. either that, or I’ll have to start smoking so i can get my money’s worth.