a very, special episode of crystal sue

so back in the day, when i was 14, my mom started dating the neighbor guy.

his name was luis.

and he was awful.

he beat up my mom.

and threatened me and my siblings.

and he scared the shit out of me.

but i was 14, so i don’t think i really knew what the heck was going on.

i remember hating my mom at the time.

i remember wishing he were dead, and then hating myself for having that thought.

i remember wishing i was normal, with a normal family.

and i also remember the day luis killed himself.

actually, i guess it would technically be the day after he killed himself, because i didn’t get the phone call until the next morning.

i was still in braces. and i was at a sleep over at my friend heather’s house.

i was sitting at her kitchen table.

and i think it was my great aunt who told me.

he had hung himself (in jail no less).

and i remember that i didn’t cry.

and i remember hating my mom when she would make me go to the cemetery with her in the months that followed.

and she’d get so upset at his grave, and i’d wonder why she seemed to care more about this guy than me and my siblings, who she had left.

and then, when i was 19, my highschool-boyfriend Bob died of a drug over dose.

and it was awful.

i remember that when i found out i feel to the ground because i couldn’t control my body.

and my mom was there for me. she sympathized with me like few other people could.  

but i still don’t remember having any sympathy for her.

and tomorrow (Friday) is the tenth anniversary of Luis’ death.

and i don’t care.

im not sure if that makes me a bad person.

but i think sometimes, when bad people die, it’s ok not to care.

i think ive gained 15 pounds since saturday.

so remember how i was all ‘I ATE CHEESE?’

well, i’ve basically been living on pizza since then.

do you think that’s going to be a problem?

oh. don’t worry too much though.

I’ve also had a good, solid amount of ranch dressing.

seriously, starting over sucks no matter how it goes down

here’s my confession.

when i was younger i wanted attention. ha. ha. ha. ha.

oh. wait.

THAT’s not my confession. that’s HER confession.

MY confession is:

i dont REALLY like doing EVERYTHING alone.

ya. i pretend that I LOVE going to the movies solo. and that shopping by myself is WAY better. and that i LIKE the quiet i get when i eat alone at chipotle.

but it’s basically all lies.

true story.

so, even though i’ve started a new job like 34 times in the past month, it’s still hard to move and make new friends.

don’t get me wrong, i heart my new employer. it just sucks trying to hang out with the janitor out of desperation.

really. sucks. 

im sitting here alone on a sunday afternoon. blogging. while pretty woman plays on TNT. 

can we say ‘los-er?’

the thing is, i had JUST started making good friends in oshkosh b’gosh when i decided to pack up and move again.

so this is all basically my fault.

(sorta).

just so you know that i do have every intention of fixing this, my new life plan includes becoming very, very, very rich. buying an island. and making all my friends come live with me on it.

actually. screw that.

i really just need one person (if he’s the right person.)

everyone else can visit at their discretion.

bottom line: i want my life to be like a kenny chesney video, or at least a cool pepsi ad.

that’s pretty realistic. right?

don’t judge me (i’ll do that myself, thank you)

ok. ok. i ate some d*mn cheese today.

what? this doesn’t make me a bad person. (right?)

see, what happened was. well. im just SO tired.

seriously.

i even have proof from a doctor.

(and by “proof” i mean “no proof.” but whatever).

here’s the thing, im commuting like INSANE amounts and im not sleeping that much, and i basically leave for work at like 8:30 a.m. and then i don’t get home until 10 p.m. and then i fall onto the bed and sleep and wake up and go back to work. AND im just not eating very much. there’s no time. and i can’t realistically bring a breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack with me to work every day.

AND im getting so exhausted that when i drive at night all the lights blur to the point that i can’t see anything else. and my eye doctor told me (for $25) that i probably just need more sleep because my eyes are so fatigue that they can’t focus.

and i know im not tired JUST because im vegan (was vegan?), but it’s not helping.

and then today, i went to Whole Foods, which is supposed to be like a vegan utopia, and even THEIR salad bar had hardly anything for me to eat.

so i took some mac&cheese and officially decided to take a little break from veganism.

don’t worry, im still vegetarian. and i still want to eat mostly vegan food.

i just need to make sure im getting enough to eat on a regular basis. and i can’t do that as a vegan right now.

it is looking like i will be moving in with a friend closer to my job within the next month or so, so maybe I’ll pick it up again. or maybe not. im not sure.

but for the record, i totally made it 5 and a half months without dairy.

is it ok if i just talk about driving and cars on this blog from now on?

sigh.

so driving has officially taken over my existence.

yesterday, there i was, living my little life in mchenry, illinois when i went to start my ford escourt.

only my ford escourt (we’ll call her penelope) wasn’t having it.

she was all ‘ya. im not going to start. i hate that you just use me for your long-a$$ commutes, and you never get the good gas, and you never say thank-you, and you STILL haven’t gotten my muffler fixed.’

and i was all ‘WHAT!? I thought things were going so well  between us. if it means that much to you i’ll totally get you the 93 octane gas next time.’

but she still didn’t start.

that b*tch.

she didn’t even care that i had to cover a meeting in like 10 minutes. nope. she didn’t care one bit.

so i had to track down the only other reporter who works out of my bureau office and have her drive me to the library.

then, after the meeting, i had to beg the night editor to send someone to rescue me so i could get my story in on time.

at this point an angle appeared. 

his name is Mr. Awesome. (true story) and after he drove me to the main newspaper office in Crystal Lake so I could write my story, he was all ”oh, what? you need a ride to naperville, and that’s one hour away? sure. no problem. and don’t you worry your pretty little head about gas money.”

and since my pretty little head already was worried about my car, i listened to him.

and he drove me home.

and then, i had to figure out how the heck i was going to get back to my poor little car, which had found its way to crystal lake after a little boost from my jumper cables. (before you’re all ‘why didn’t you just drive the dang thing home after you jumped it?’ you should know that she kinda died in crystal lake. so there).

BEST FRIEND TO THE RESUCE (ish).

she said she could totally drive me to crystal lake, but only if i waited for her to get off work. and by waited, she meant, wait in her car in her work parking lot because it would be WAY out of the way to come back and pick me up at home when she got off and then drive me to crystal lake.

because car problems force you to work around others schedules, i totally agreed.

also, she said she would lend me the money for the repair, and since i only have $19.47 in my checking account, i was was pretty much her slave at this point.

so i woke up at 6 a.m. and got ready to go to work with her. i grabbed a pillow and a blanket and got comfy. she parked under a tree and said, ‘have fun.’ and i waited for her in the jewel parking lot for four hours.

(aside: i would like to remind everyone at this point that i DO in fact have a master’s degree. and yet i still don’t have the ability to pay for my own car problems, so i have to subject myself to hours on end in a parking lot.)

finally we made our way back to penelope.

she was still in a pissy mood. i jumped her again (which you’d think she’d like) and a few minutes later she died in the middle of the road.

yep. right there on a busy ass two-lane highway. and the truckers were whatever the opposite of sympathetic is. (mean?)

i pretty much feared for my life at this point.

so i started crying.  

my best friend had to turn around and jump the b*tch again so i could make it to the repair shop. then those idiots at the shop told me they just didn’t have any time to look at her until at LEAST friday.

i gave up on life at this point and decided instead to become a tree. (i had heard they don’t need cars)

luckily my best friend pulled me back to reality and helped me find a mechanic who WOULD help me immediately. (thank you god.)

im pretty sure the shop was just a front for a mob operation (he called someone and told him that he should pick up the ‘mexicans’ now) but whatever, because he totally fixed my car.

and it was only $120.80.

which is about the same amount i spend on gas every week.

so i guess i’ll be ok.

and don’t worry. penelope and i have had a little talk, and i don’t think this will be happening again any time soon. (i told her i was seeing other cars, and she totally got her sh*t together. the ’check engine’ light is even off.)

wait. do you think i need rogaine?

ok. so seriously, my hair feels thin.

do you think it’s because I’m vegan? (I don’t eat jell-o.) or because im getting old. (im almost 25 you know.)

it could just be because im neurotic.

im trying to blow-dry less.

but, the problem with that technique is that i feel like blow-drying makes my hair look fuller (thicker) so really, im not sure what to do there.

also, i’ve decided to switch from elastic pony tail holders to clips (which my best friend assures me do less damage to my hair.)

this is kind of a big deal.

not like new-job big deal or even becoming-vegan big deal. but none-the-less, it’s life changing.

you see, i kinda wear my hair up every.single.day. (I HATE how it looks down.) but clips are SO DIFFERENT.

for example, i can’t even lean my head back in the car (during my gawd awful commute) while wearing a clip without the clonky thing hitting the head rest.

YES, i could just take it out while driving, but what if i get in a car accident and my hair looks bad because it’s down and then my soul mate comes, but i don’t have enough time to put it back up or i lose the clip, so he doesn’t give me his number because im not wearing my hair up?

just sayin.

also, the strands around my face fall different because the clip can’t hold the shorter layers. i almost think it gives my face a softer look, but the jury is still out on this one because the shorter layers also could just be adding 10 pounds to my face.

who knows.

anyway, does anyone got any hair thickening tips for me? (and NO, washing your hair in mayonnaise and beer doesn’t make your hair thicker. i just makes you smell like a single man’s fridge for about three days. thanks for nothing cosmo.)

if only i was an anonymous blogger

so im living with best friend and she’s d*mn neurotic.

i’ve totally got mother nature’s monthly “gift” today and i have super bad cramps AND im going to a water park tomorrow.

i wish i was a size two. like all the time. i blame soda for my inability to achieve this. for BANANA’S SAKE PEOPLE! i ALREADY gave up every. other. good. food. on the planet.

i still have a crush on my ex.

in about 12 minutes im going to watch Hannah Montana’s 3d concert and im pretty excited about it.

i owe $40,000 to my student loan company and have no ability to pay it off. i also owe $247 to target, and have no ability to pay that off either.

sometimes i wear my bras two days in a row because i HATE doing laundry.

****

living with my best friend is so fun. it’s seriously like a slumber party every freaking night.  

im going to a water park tomorrow!!!

i’ve lost some weight since becoming a vegan. so that’s cool.

im totally ok with being single.

i have to watch this LAME Hannah Montana concert with my sister soon, but i’ll just have to suck it up.

im so glad i got my master’s degree. the student loans seriously don’t bother me.

i need to go shopping for some more clothes.