so i can’t talk long, because im kinda, technically at work. monitoring the police scanner (like a crazy person) ….

I HAVE A D DAVID…. IM IN PURSUIT OF A SUSPECT …. NEGATIVE … WE HAVE A 911 CALL. A FOOT BALL PLAYER APPARENTLY HAD A BACK INJURY. IS BREATHING ON CONSCIOUS. … WE HAVE A 10 10. 10 TEENAGERS BEATING UP ONE TEENAGER, APPARENTLY THEY HAVE A GOLF CLUB.

ya. that’s my life. scanner speak.

but i just wanted to say hi. and that im sorry I haven’t blogged since saturday.

and also to tell you that i totally reached for the face wash on the bathroom counter this morning mid-shower and wiped out, somehow landing on my elbow.

ya. i feel in the shower.

and let me just say that tile is NOT a forgiving surface. and it’s not a like a slippery shower is safe walking ground to begin with. i mean, you’d think somebody would have invented a softer tub material by now.

also, have you ever hit that one centimeter on your elbow that vibrates into your whole body and then leaves you unable to rest your arm on anything for a day?

ya. me too.

i’ll blog more soon.

promise. ish.

WARNING: This post may not be suitable for those who think I’m perfect.

So what kind of evil genius said ‘oh, let me just go ahead and mix this alcohol (which relaxes me) with this here energy drink (which, as the name implies, gives me engery) and see what happens’?

seriously. WHO DID THIS?

and why did that REALLY cute guy last night have to go and buy me one?

huh?

does he WANT me to party like it’s 1999 for the WHOLE millennium?

because I could now.

i really could.

for those of you a few years behind the latest drinking trends (hi mom!) here’s a brief description (according to the infallible wikipedia)

The Jägerbomb, or occasionally Jagbomb is a cocktail combining one shot of Jägermeister dropped into a glass of an energy drink, usually Red Bull.[1][2] It is referred to as a “Jäger-Bull” in some English bars.

Jägerbomb - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

it’s crazy.

seriously.

(and kinda expnsive).

but it’s also FUN.

at this point, you might be all, ‘well, I’ve had rum and coke, and coke has caffeine, so it’s probably the same thing.’

ahh, young grasshopper, you’re so naive.

because THESE are more like meth mixed with tylenol pm.

with a soothing cherry flavor.

seriously.

that’s what they’re like.

and all im going to say about last night is that i did not get home until 5 a.m.

and i danced a lot.

go ahead and fill in the rest of the blanks for yourself if you’re in to that sort of thing.

and for the record: Im obviously over 21, so stop judging me.

stop it.

and hand me some water, will you. im super hung over. dehydrated.

ok. i cant get the picture to turn, so just tilt your freaking head. 

gawd. I’m straight now.

so just to get you guys up to speed:

aside from the fact that three weeks ago, my car died, (detailed here.), I have also, within the past few weeks: gone 24 hours without power, gotten in a car accident and somehow managed to SCRATCH MY EYE.

:: deep breath ::

we’ll go chronologically.

first. there was the infamous power outage that came after a chicagoland storm (equivalent to a sunny afternoon by wisconsin standards) that knocked out power from here to well, wisconsin. 

it resulted in 12 hours of vanilla scented candles lighting my apartment, a shower so cold i felt like someone was stabbing my skin, and me blowing drying my hair in a grocery store bathroom.

(comed is stupid).

but, now that i look back on it, it wasn’t that big of a deal, because, on tuesday, i pulled out of a parking space at the tanning salon and rammed right into a 1998 monte carlo.

(insert expletives).

my car is, of course, fine.

his?

well.

notsomuch.

(and my insurance rates were JUST about to go down following my 25th birthday. ugh.)

ok.

no big deal.

ya i was pretty freaking sore by wednesday.

and no pain medication helped me feel better. and the heat patches didn’t make me feel better.

but i could deal with it.

until I SCRATCHED MY EYEBALL.

no, i don’t know how. (some people would argue its contact-lens related, but there is no actual proof of that).

after one trip to urgent care (under the assumption that it was pink eye) and one trip to an optometrist, i realized i was going to be house bound for awhile.

see. besides the PAIN, and the PUSSY EYE and i also can’t wear my contacts for a week.

and i don’t have glasses.

that means i just shelled out $200 to pearl vision, so i could get glasses by tomorrow. (and by ‘i just shelled out’ i actually mean, ‘my roommate lent me’)

now im stuck at home, unable to drive.

and i just wrote a bad $30 check for my eye drops that I’m hoping wal-greens won’t cash till tomorrow (pay day).

and i can’t see anything.

and writing this post is actually hurting my eye.

and im still sore from the stupid car accident.

and my car still hates me.

somebody PLEASE bring me a four-leaf clover.

please?

· I’ve totally become an NPR addict. I’m not sure if this makes me cool or old.

· I’m so done with people thinking something must be wrong with me if im single. maybe something’s wrong with all the guys i meet. gawd.

· i bought a super cute black shirt for work from target. i liked it so much that i went back yesterday and bought it in purple.

· i also bought it in blue.

· holy freaking crap cheese is GOOD! have you guys tried this stuff? i mean, it’s seriously delicious. it’s kind of like heaven, but yellow.

· i pray every night.

· mostly for lower gas prices.

· don’t get me wrong, I give a shout out for world peace too.

· having a tuesday off makes me feel like im ditching class tomorrow. love it.

· i want to be ana marie cox when i grow up.

· when im rich im totally buying hair extensions.

· im pretty excited about my redesinged blog. the rain drops make me smile. 

· do you think anyone makes anything i could use as a shoe rack in my car? because piling them up on the passenger seat isn’t really working for me. (i leave all my heels in the car and switch back and forth with my flips during the day, if you’re wondering why i have a closet in my escourt).

· my roommate did my laundry yesterday and i gave her an extra month of rent no questions asked. ok. seriously folks, if you want to marry me, just do my laundry.

· and give me cheese.

· Im pretty sad that Bernie Mac died. I hadn’t even gotten over Heath Ledger’s death yet.  

· im totally going to get a banana split after i write this.

· or maybe something with a hot brownie. mmmm. brownies.

· im turning 25 in 14 days. im not sure if that makes me cool or old.

so, for those of you who actually see me regularly, you may have noticed that i dyed my hair.

dark brown.

and yes, it has faded since.

but it’s still much browner.

(id post a picture, but i don’t feel like it).

anyway, in the spirit of dying my hair, and ending veganism, and moving to chicagoland, i’ve decided to also change my blog.

i just could not STAND the sight of that stupid white flower any longer.

so bare with me.

while i change my life.

again.

UPDATE: im just messing around with the image header now, but I’m pretty sure im sticking with this theme.

fyi.

UPDATE: i got the above picture from this site. (there. i officially linked to them).

my new goal is to get my own host soon and then have a much cooler design.

until then, enjoy the rain.

im a little worried im going to get in a car accident.

for those of you who don’t live in chi-town(land) let me explain how driving in this area works:

i start out my morning by darting across three lanes of traffic so i can get into the left turn lane.

and before you’re all, “what? why don’t you turn at the light, idiot?” THERE IS NO LIGHT! DON’T YOU THINK I ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT!

*deep breath*

basically, i say a prayer to God that all the traffic stops for me, and then i jolt out in front of oncoming cars and close my eyes.

then i block traffic for awhile in the middle lane while i wait for someone to let me into the turn lane.

i figure if i cause a big enough traffic jam, someone eventually will take pity on me.

then i hop into the lane with my loud-a$$ car that TOTALLY needs a new muffler and doesn’t really like accelerating that much and i try to turn left at the light that’s a block ahead.

i usually miss the turn arrow, but if im the first or second car in the row, it is just plain common courtesy for me to turn when the main light turns yellow and oncoming traffic starts to slow down. the people behind me would be seriously pissed if i was all “oh, that’s ok. the light is yellow. that means yield. i’ll just wait for the next arrow.”

i undoubtedly go through at least one red light every day.

im a little worried the cops are going to catch on.

but im a little more worried that they would pull me over if i DIDN’T go through the red light. (you think im kidding. im not)

im usually ok for the next hour or so on my way to work — the occasional sudden stops and tailgating don’t really bother me any more. it turns out my seat belt and my brakes work pretty well.

but then i have to turn into my office.

also no light there.

i again block traffic until someone lets me go into the parking lot.

the problem with this situation is that it usually requires me to pull back OUT of the parking lot at some point.

and unfortunately a light has yet to appear by the end of my shift yet.

sometimes, i fantasize about turning left out of the parking lot, but then i realize that’s like fantasizing about marrying johnny depp.

it’s just a dream that i can keep in my heart till i die.

instead i have to turn right and then go about a mile out of my way to turn around and go in the right direction.

this usually involves a sporadic u-turn at an intersection that is in no way designed for sporadic u-turns.

thankfully, nobody has hit me yet.

sometimes, i get so sick of driving that i decide to walk to the grocery store across the street from my job for lunch.

walking is suppossed to be better in every way, right?

the problem is, i have to cross a four-lane highway to get there.

so i have to jolt out across two lanes of traffic (without the protection of a metal framed-car) and run to the center yellow line.

the line is thinner than me, so i stop breathing while i stand in the middle of the road and wait for the cars coming the other direction in the other two lanes to stop.

then i dart to the grocery store parking lot.

the thing that sucks, is at this point, i have to walk back.

while holding food.

sometimes, the guys who own the nail salon next to my office watch me do this, and im pretty sure they have some sort of drinking game set up where if i die they all take a shot, because every time i live they seem a little disappointed.

i, on the other hand, am ecstatic, seeing as how living is usually the goal for me.

in conclusion: when i grow up, im totally getting a chauffeur. and im only going to walk on treadmills.

just sayin.

so back in the day, when i was 14, my mom started dating the neighbor guy.

his name was luis.

and he was awful.

he beat up my mom.

and threatened me and my siblings.

and he scared the shit out of me.

but i was 14, so i don’t think i really knew what the heck was going on.

i remember hating my mom at the time.

i remember wishing he were dead, and then hating myself for having that thought.

i remember wishing i was normal, with a normal family.

and i also remember the day luis killed himself.

actually, i guess it would technically be the day after he killed himself, because i didn’t get the phone call until the next morning.

i was still in braces. and i was at a sleep over at my friend heather’s house.

i was sitting at her kitchen table.

and i think it was my great aunt who told me.

he had hung himself (in jail no less).

and i remember that i didn’t cry.

and i remember hating my mom when she would make me go to the cemetery with her in the months that followed.

and she’d get so upset at his grave, and i’d wonder why she seemed to care more about this guy than me and my siblings, who she had left.

and then, when i was 19, my highschool-boyfriend Bob died of a drug over dose.

and it was awful.

i remember that when i found out i feel to the ground because i couldn’t control my body.

and my mom was there for me. she sympathized with me like few other people could.  

but i still don’t remember having any sympathy for her.

and tomorrow (Friday) is the tenth anniversary of Luis’ death.

and i don’t care.

im not sure if that makes me a bad person.

but i think sometimes, when bad people die, it’s ok not to care.

so remember how i was all ‘I ATE CHEESE?’

well, i’ve basically been living on pizza since then.

do you think that’s going to be a problem?

oh. don’t worry too much though.

I’ve also had a good, solid amount of ranch dressing.

here’s my confession.

when i was younger i wanted attention. ha. ha. ha. ha.

oh. wait.

THAT’s not my confession. that’s HER confession.

MY confession is:

i dont REALLY like doing EVERYTHING alone.

ya. i pretend that I LOVE going to the movies solo. and that shopping by myself is WAY better. and that i LIKE the quiet i get when i eat alone at chipotle.

but it’s basically all lies.

true story.

so, even though i’ve started a new job like 34 times in the past month, it’s still hard to move and make new friends.

don’t get me wrong, i heart my new employer. it just sucks trying to hang out with the janitor out of desperation.

really. sucks. 

im sitting here alone on a sunday afternoon. blogging. while pretty woman plays on TNT. 

can we say ‘los-er?’

the thing is, i had JUST started making good friends in oshkosh b’gosh when i decided to pack up and move again.

so this is all basically my fault.

(sorta).

just so you know that i do have every intention of fixing this, my new life plan includes becoming very, very, very rich. buying an island. and making all my friends come live with me on it.

actually. screw that.

i really just need one person (if he’s the right person.)

everyone else can visit at their discretion.

bottom line: i want my life to be like a kenny chesney video, or at least a cool pepsi ad.

that’s pretty realistic. right?