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I lied. But in my defense I think this deserves a post.
Apparently ice is slippery or something. I’m not really sure, but I do know that you should never UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES try to break when you need to stop in this weather on said “slippery” ice.
I know. it SEEMS like braking would be the best choice to stop an all. and TRUST ME it’s your first instinct. But when your driving over snow and ice — especially if say, hypothetically, you have a tire that some car-repairman said you should fix so you don’t die when you drive and you hypothetically ignored that advice — what you should do is let your car glide to stop at red lights.
I’m stupid. So, when I was in driving along this morning I went ahead and followed my instincts — I braked.
And the first time, my car spun out and I thought ‘wow, stupid girl, you are SO lucky there were no cars around so that you didn’t just crash.’ (and don’t worry, there weren’t any cars around the second time either.)
A block later i saw a red light ahead and thought ‘probably a stop is going to be needed soon.’ At this point i braked (because it REALLY is your instinct) and I lost control of my car and slid off the road. (you saw that coming, didn’t you?). I barely missed a pole and so I thanked God for that (seeing as how my car insurance ALREADY is about the same as my rent each month, a car accident probably wouldn’t have been so good on my record) After the prayer, I tried to back out of the 7 feet (ish) of ice i drove into.
FRIK!
Alas, at this point i did the opposite of thank God.
My next first instinct (after the whole, break to stop thing) was to call my mom and cry. Realizing that if i did this my tears probably would freeze and my mom wouldn’t be able to help dig me out from three hours away, i thought I’d call work. I mean reporters ARE kind of like super heroes, so I figured AT LEAST one of them would come to help. Luckily, i didn’t have to beg anyone for help, because at that moment, God (that’s right, GOD) sent a city employee my way and then GOD told him to stop and dig me out. or maybe he just did that on his own. Either way, he was able to get me out of the 7 feet (ish) of ice that i had driven into. I said thank you, thank you, thank you, but his only reply was ’straighten out your wheel when you try to back out.’ (i think he was cold).
I then drove about 4 miles per hour to work so i could avoid any breaking — and it only took about an hour to go three miles! so i made pretty good time.
Hopefully this stupid stupid stupid weather will end soon. Either that, or I should get new tires.
I know, I know. you’re thinking “but you JUST got a bed! it sounds like too much too soon.” And you’re right, I am scared of commitment. But I’m also sick of sitting on my air mattress when I watch the a daily show. and my friend said something about how she got the couch off the back of a truck so i wouldn’t have to pay for it. and that sounds like a good plan to me.
Also, as soon as i get said furniture i plan to have people over for a dinner party. really. i do. of course i don’t have a kitchen table, so umm, that might be awkward. Maybe a tv-watching party would be better.
Sew, this will be my last post about the weather. I swear. Probably.
My friend said that some people bring sunshine into the world. But when I go places I bring snow. Do you think it’s because I’m so white?
editor’s note: I’m not going to specify who I’m supporting (if you’ve ever met me, you know) just in case I have to cover an event where this person is. seeing as how im the paper’s public affairs reporter and all.
About three years ago, i picked out who i wanted to be for president – and then i prayed every night that this person WOULD run, and because me and God are tight, my plan totally worked.
After he/she announced they’d be running, I immediately got on the candidate’s e-mail list. And yes, i was living in Iowa at the time so for a few months he/she was only e-mailing me because he/she thought i might caucus for him/her. and maybe i failed to tell this person that I had kind of moved to a state that no longer mattered in the primaries, but i thought (based on his/her long emails that started with “Dear Friend”) that he/she and i had formed a real bond, so such details shouldn’t matter. Then, after the Iowa caucus the candidate kept sending me e-mails. That’s when I knew for sure he/she and I had something that was real — or at least i thought we did.
But lately, the tone of the e-mails has changed. and for some reason, at the bottom of every one of them is a button labeled ‘donate.’ Which I can’t do, a: because i have no money and b: because I don’t want my name to appear on moneyline. And I really want to explain that to him/her but below the donate button, there’s a sentance explaining that I shouldn’t try to reply to the address — which seems weird for a “friend” to say.
I haven’t like given up on him/her yet, but the whole relationship does seem to be taking a turn for the worse. I’m sure that when he/she gets elected though, all this will stop. I mean he/she only needs some money to get him/her through the next primary, and after that everything will be fine… right? right.
So when i came over from south dakota for my job interview back in October it was 80 degrees in oshkosh. that’s right, in OCTOBER here, IT WAS 80 DEGREES. i said, “where do i sign up for this job?” and i packed up my stuff and moved to Wisconsin immediately.
And as soon as I did the temperature dropped 100 degrees. that’s right. IT WAS NEGATIVE 20. ok, maybe it only got down to negative 10, but it really was negative 17 with the wind chill. cross my heart. and i was starting to look at jobs in places that actually have a reputation for being warm. i.e. hotlanta, GA. etc. that way the newspaper couldn’t just fool me with warm weather during my interview.
but then…
today, it was like 40 degrees!!!! and because I’m used to it being negative 10, 40 actually felt like 87. and i put on my bathing suit and went to work and it was so awesome and i was thinking “maybe i CAN live here.” then, five minutes later a winter storm warning was posted online. seriously. FIVE MINUTES LATER.
so, if any of you know anyone who could hook me up with a job in hotlanta, just click on the contact section of my blog and follow the simple instructions. …… (note to current employer, i’m not actually seeking a new job.)
So if i ran the worldwhen i run the world, i’ll require all employers to give out three numbers for salary:
1. how much they’ll be paying you.
2. how much you’ll get after taxes and
3. how much you’ll get after you pay taxes AND we guilt you into contributing AT LEAST 6 percent into your 401k so you don’t retire broke AND you get health insurance AND you get dental insurance AND if you’re stupid enough to be blind, you also get vision insurance.
IF my current employer had told me figure number three, i probably would have ended up just staying in south dakota – where they at least don’t have a state income tax.
i was stupid enough to not only accept the job without figure three, but i also thought it would be good to start on Nov. 5 . Of course, now i won’t get insurance until after 90 days pass, which would be Feb. 5 and THEN, nothing actually starts until the beginning of the NEXT month, meaning i’m pretty much waiting until March 1 (FOUR months) for coverage (NOTE: this also sucks becuase on Nov. 4 I happen to kind of step on my glasses and break them in half and now they are constantly crooked because they are super glued together, and im waiting for my vision insurance to start so i can get contacts).
Even though March 1 is more than a month away, I enrolled in our benefits package today. and while i was at it, i figured I’d go ahead and start saving 6 percent of my check before taxes. SIX PERCENT PEOPLE. that’s a lot of freaking money, but the web site says if I DONT save that much I’ll probably be homeless when i retire, and it seems like that would kind of suck.
While enrolling, i had to figure out who i wanted my beneficiary to be — my mom — then explain to the computer that she was not my spouse, my domestic partner or my dependent because I basically suck at life and I haven’t got ANY of those things. The computer didn’t understand how my beneficiary could be NONE of those things, so i had to mark ‘other’ and now i need to either find a husband or have baby so my company will understand me.
then, i did a little math and figured out that after all the insurance and the 401k savings, I’ll be making about $6 a month in take-home pay, which shouldn’t be a problem as long as my landlord is cool with me not giving him rent.
However, in case i get a random illness i want to make sure im covered (note the insurance) and in case i don’t i want to make sure i can retire (note the 6 percent).
At this point in the enrollment process im thinking everything if all good, but a screen pops up telling me that once i click submit I CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES change my coverage. Crap. ok, I cancel that and go back to make sure everything is ok. Yes, i want medical. yes, i want dental and yes, i want vision. looks good to me. ok, submit and… confirm.
FRIK!
I accidental put that I’m a smoker. Apparently that’s the default setting (such crap, because, really? is the default AMERICAN a smoker?? and this is STILL america? right?) and they want to charge me $750 a year for that! i am, of course, NOT a smoker. and I don’t even live with a smoker, so such a charge is TOTALLY NOT COOL WITH ME. I try to hit the back button, but alas, my company’s enrollment Web site is too smart for me, because hitting the back button only brings up an error message. great. this sucks. and seriously, if the HR person can’t change this tomorrow and re-classify me as a non-smoker, i’m probably going to have to quit my job. i’m not saying definitely, im just saying probably. either that, or I’ll have to start smoking so i can get my money’s worth.
So, ever since i was a little girl people have been thinking I was a lesbian. I’m not sure why, seeing as how i make out with boys all the time. And YES, my best girl friend and i DO say “love you” at the end of all our phone calls, and YES, i’ve shared beds with girls before, and YES sometimes my friends and I hold arms when we walk down the street, but NONE of this means I like girls (at least not in that way — not that there’s anything wrong with that).
This whole thing has never really bothered me though, because I know that I’m NOT a lesbian and IF i were, I probably would have told everyone about it by now seeing as how i love to talk about myself i’m a really open person.
However, recently, some people who are just getting to know me told me that NOT ONLY did they think i was a LESBIAN (which as I stated above, I’m not) when they met me, they also thought i was a stoner. A STONER? WHAT?! WHAT? WHAT?! I’ve never even tried pot (aka mary jane, aka, marijuana, aka, herbs? etc. etc.) in my freaking life.
This observation, however, wouldn’t be a big deal except for the fact that i’m pretty much the EXACT OPPOSITE of a stoner. I’m kind of loud. and kind of talkative. and kind of NOT RELAXED in ANY WAY. and I’ve often had people tell me that pot might go a long way to calm me down (I have OF COURSE never taken this advice). It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with being a lesbian or for that matter a stoner, it’s just that I’m neither.
So, just in case any of you out there were thinking the same things – I’m officially setting the record, umm straight, as they say, with this post. I’m a boy-loving, non-pot-smoking machine and I plan to stay that way. you know. just in case any of you were wondering.
you said what??!