The only certainty is bad grammar

well not blogging sucks.

im so, so sorry that i haven’t been writing much lately, but i kind of lost a large portion of my interweb access when i quit my job. (stupid job.) 

i just wanted you guys to know that im still alive.

and funny as ever.

i’ve basically spent the last few days chillin with my family from new orleans and freaking out about where the heck me and my awesome couch are going to live.

also, ive been navigating chicagoland traffic and eating mcdonald’s french fries WAY more than i should.

however, more importantly, the down time also has allowed me to do my favorite thing in the middle of the day.

watch tv.

i’ve seen 23 episodes of of ‘law and order,’ (seriously, that show is ALWAYS on). I’ve watched the ”local news’ at 5 p.m., 6 p.m. and 10 p.m. and i’ve gotten all caught up on ‘randy jackson presents:‘america’s best dance crew.”

which brings me to my point: I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE DANCE!

see, ABDC (that’s how ‘america’s best dance crew’ is abbreviated by mtv. i didn’t just make that up) is this super awesome show where “dance crews” from across “america” compete to be the “best.” (what exactly they do after they win the show is yet unclear as cd sales of nobody signing don’t do so well, but i have hope they mtv will be able to market these people.) 

it’s hosted by everyone’s favorite high-school crush mario lopez (better known as A.C. Slater) and he’s still has the EXACT SAME hair cut that he had in 1992. he tries really hard to be cool like he was on “saved by the bell,” but the problem is “saved by the bell” was not actually cool, so instead he’s just super corny.

his poor hosting abilities don’t even matter though, because this show is about THE CREWS (which incidentally, rock my socks.) they do like tricks and stuff. and they wear cool outfits. and they are super good dancers (hence the show’s title) and one is even from NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS (where my bff currently lives). 

the judges are also fun.

they include a nice guy (shane), a bitchy talkative woman (lil’ mama) and a gay guy prick a random other guy (mr. j.c. iwasinaboyband) 

(i have a serious crush on shane) 

the most awesome thing about this show though is that it REALLY IS fun for the whole family.

for example: me, my nine-year-old sister and my 40-something uncle recently enjoyed a full episode together even though NONE of the commercials were marketed toward us. (my teen-age cousin also watched the show with us and afterward immediately went to the store to buy fructis, pre-bought tickets for ‘meet dave’ and signed up for “NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC 432.”)

in conclusion: i love ‘america’s best dance crew’ and you will too. now where are my french fries?

so me, my two fabulous cousins, and two of my fabulous siblings recently were in my little ford escort for about 4 hours (long story) and during this car trip from heck (like a car trip from h3ll, but not as bad) we played THE CELEBRITY NAME GAME!

this is how it goes: I say ‘jessica simpson’ and then you have to name a celebrity with the first letter of the last name i just said. so like ’sarah jessica parker’ would work. and then you go around the car (preferably clock-wise) doing this until you get too many ‘c’s in a row and nobody can thinking of anything beyond ‘carrie underwood’ and ‘calvin coolidge.’

it’s d*mn fun times.

and we got to my little sister (she’s nine now) and she had ‘k’

so i was all ‘think of a famous katie. you know, the one married to tom cruise.’

and she was all ‘oh. duh. katie cruise.’

we gave her the point.

hot d*mn it’s been a long week. sorry I’ve been away.

first things first, i got a new job. (!!!!!!!) here.

I start July 15. and im pretty d*mn excited about it.  

(wish we luck.)

as a result of this news, i had to kinda quit my other job.

that didn’t go so well — let’s just say they were super, umm, “sad” to see me go.

(for details on that seriously CRAZY story, feel free to get in touch with me one-on-one). 

and now i have to figure out where i’m going to live in chicagoland.

im thinking of mooching off crashing withpaying rent to my bff. but her house is like an hour from my new job, so I’m not quit sure yet.  

and of course, there’s always the possibility of living my mom. (hi mom!). but she’s also an hour from my new job.

also, i had to break my lease. (never fun). (anyone looking for a reasonably priced two-bedroom in Oshkosh? there’s a fireplace. and a washer and dryer.)

also, i stressed myself out so bad while deciding whether or not to take the new job that i didn’t get any sleep last week and ended up getting super sick. with a fever and everything. as a result saturday was given over to the nyquil gods.

also, last night, while i was trying to eat some ricecream (like ice cream but for vegans) i somehow slammed my hand between the freezer door and the fridge door.

that sucked. and now my pinky hurts.

also, my south dakota plates expire, umm, tomorrow. but im supa broke so i can’t afford new ones, and even if i could the local dmv is closed today, so ive convinced myself that my car probably will  be towed from my apartment complex parking lot the minute the clock strikes 12:01a .m.

and then i won’t have enough money to get my car out until July 11, and then they will charge me by the day and my life will totally suck.

(just another rational crystal fear).

also, i need an oil change and possibly new spark plugs.

also, my new job is doing a background check on me and im irrationally worried that i committed a crime im unaware of.

also, im running out of time on my ‘daily computer seesion’ clock at the library. so i have to get offline soon.

and now you’re ALL caught up on my crazy life.

I’ll blog again as soon as i can, but until then, check my twitter for clever one-linters that i can convinently update from my cell phone.

hey there. hi there. hoe there.

sorry i’ve been away.

I was having an rockin’ good time at great america (more on that trip later).

but I’m back now. and I just want to say that I’m super-de-duperly excited that i ….

(wait for it).

HAVE HAD 10,000 HITS ON MY BLOG!

for those of you who don’t know, i kind of love my little section of cyberspace the way normal people love children.

I started this thing WAY back in january, and it just keeps growing. day. by day. by day.

and it makes me so happy.

and one of these days im going to figure out how to make some moo-la off this thing so i can stop answering to ‘the man.’ (feel free to pray for me on that one). (also feel free to like just randomly send me money.) but until then, i’ll just keep begging people to read it.

Since ‘the only certainty is bad grammar’ started i’ve gotten pretty damn good at naviagatng the maze that is wordpress.

i’ve done simple things like ‘learn how to create pages’ (which difer from posts becasue the are tabbed above. go ahead. look.). I’ve done hard things like ‘learn how to add twitter’ (seen here to the right.). and I’ve done cool things, like ‘learn how to add a photo to a post.’

but mostly, I’ve just worked really, really hard to become a better writer. and I love that i don’t have to worry about editors here. and that i don’t have to be scared to be as creative as i feel like being.

of course, i also love that i can ramble on about johnny depp, bein vegan, and puppies.

in conclusion, i just wanted to say ‘thank everyone. for caring about what i think. and write. you guys rock!’ 

I’m going to Six Flags Great America  on Monday. 

and you’re not.

and im d*mn excited about it.

you should probably be jealous of me right now.

My plans for the best day ev.a include, (but aren’t limited to):

• riding the batman, and the raging bull and the log ride that gets you completly wet when you stand over the bridge afterward.
• and maybe the superman. depending on how my day goes.
• eating a tofurky sandwhich in the parking lot with my family.
• spending $18 on a soda in the park 20 minutes later to get a cool cup.
• wearing a sunscreen with an spf of AT LEAST 50 that i will rub on my scalp just to be safe because sun burn on your heard hurts when you have to use a blow dryer.   
• having an AWESOME time.

i’m probably not going to be blogging much between now and then. (sorry about that.) but i’ll definetly be twittering (comments most likely will include things like “waiting 2.7 hours to go on the Whizzer” and ”just paid $50 to park my car.”) so check my blog all weekend anyway.

and if you’re lucky i’ll be back with stories of how i went 160 mph in less than 4 seconds. you should probably be prepared to be amazed.

i know. im cool.

so ‘girl who sits next to me‘ lent me a new drug — season one of 24 on DVD.

It’s pretty much like meth.  

I’ve decided i don’t really NEED sleep. it’s WAY more important to find out if Jamie is a dirty CTU agent. 4 a.m.: she’s not. 5 a.m.: she might be. 7 a.m.: SHE IS!

I keep going back to the disk menu and watching another episode. I’ve reached 8 a.m. — in two days.

i literally interact with this show. i duck when they duck. I shoot people with my imaginary gun when bad guys show up. I scream ‘I KNEW HE WAS DIRTY!’ when new information shows that mr. york is NOT in fact mr. york. the sound the clock makes has become one with my heart beat.

I also have a crush on the guy in the flannel shirt. He might play a 21-year-old on my tv, but im thinking he’s probably old enough to date me (love me) in real life.

I have an hour break from work coming up and im fantasizing about watching 8 a.m. to 9 a.m. i need another hit. and i need it now.

yes, i know this show first aired in 2001 (back when i was still living a dorm. with a roommate.) but that’s exactly why god INVENTED dvds. (nice work big guy).

*sigh*

this show so rocks.